Synthetic Health: The Curious Case of Diet Mountain Dew

Aspartame: noun-- a white, crystalline, odorless, slightly water-soluble non-carbohydrate powder, synthesized from amino acids, that is 150-200 times sweeter than sugar, used as a low calorie sugar substitute in soft drinks, table sweeteners, and other food.

When writing formally (which is certainly not what this is), is one supposed to cite the dictionary? If so, please see my footnotes at the end (yeah right).

I have argued for years that when a person eats a pop-tart they are eating nothing real. A pop-tart has several ingredients in it that have long names and are essentially a waste of my time, but the key ingredients it should contain-- fruit and wheat-- are mysteriously absent. Don't eat pop-tarts people. When you buy blueberry pop-tarts you are in fact not buying anything remotely involving blueberries. They are lying to you. Or at least that is what I thought until I discovered diet sodas.

I have begun a quest to wean myself off the greatest addiction of my life-- Mountain Dew. I have succeeded in purging the delicious soda pop before. From January-March 2009, I lost 58 pounds (this was added onto a previous 20 pounds I had lost for a grand total of 78 pounds of weight loss-- and I didn't even need to cry on national TV to do it-- and at one point I had lost 100). I didn't ingest any Mountain Dew whatsoever, so I thought I was cured. But as soon as my diet purge ended I fell back into the groove. Now I haven't gained too much weight back or anything, but it is still an unhealthy addiction.

After years of personal conflict and anguish (and a whole bunch of people telling me I should try it), I have decided to start drinking Diet Mountain Dew (DMD). We can get into a whole big debate later on the irony of letting go of one drink only to consume another made by the same company (that Pepsi Corporation is downright diabolical; no wonder they own Taco Bell), but the point I want to make here is how worried I am that I am consuming something that actually doesn't exist...

For the record, I am no chemist. If you came to this blog today hoping to learn some of the intricacies behind what goes into DMD, you have wasted your time. In fact, I hate chemistry and any of it's related scientific disciplines where you can't really see what you are studying. It's not that I don't trust the chemists or microbiologists. I'm not one of those nuts who says it doesn't exist if you can't see it. I believe God exists. But God is presented to most of us as a sentient being we can talk to and question. The day you tell me I can have a conversation about my life's journey with a quark is the day I sign up for the micro-imaginary world full time.

In the meantime, the healthy-living universe is asking us to do things more naturally. Buy organic foods (I am not excited about the possibility that my banana is inorganic); eat less processed foods (nevermind the fact that without processing we might still be in the dark ages); exercise and play outside more (done); and consume less high fructose corn syrup (but isn't it the same basic thing as sugar?). All of these things are actually good for you (they dodge the fact that all you have to do is eat less than you burn and you lose weight, and most of these "facts" are based on business models to sell other products like you-know-what, but I digress). And you should think that they are good for you and your body because they are. But there is one other issue that needs to be tackled.

At the top of this post is the definition for aspartame. This product is not real. It came from something real (do you realize the basis of aspartame is a chemical found in some asparagus? Wait a minute! What?!). But it is not real. The form of the material is crystalline. I don't know much about crystals other than the fact that I don't like Yani. I also don't like Columbian Coffee Crystals or The Crystalline Entity. All three of these things are fake and caused much harm to the people around them.

And yet, this strange substance known as aspartame is helping me lose weight. I usually crave the sweet taste of a regular Mountain Dew or a Mello Yello a few times a day, but I haven't craved it in a week. Instead I crave the something that is more mysterious. Diet Mountain Dew and I will be friends for now, but just as with my imaginary friends I had when I was a kid, I will eventually have to rid myself of this potentially diabolical new addiction.

Going from one addiction to a slightly better one is a normal and healthy way to get rid of something. But what about when your new addiction doesn't exist? If Diet Mountain Dew isn't real, am I really addicted to it? Boy, I'm craving one right now. Or am I?

Bon IverX3: Why the Music Industry Is Just Fine

You know what really grinds my gears? That I am going to actually feel guilty for posting that link even though there is a profane word at the end. Feel free not to watch it. Just calm down will ya? Just kidding. Anyway, what really grinds my gears is doomsday talk. Any and all forms of it.

Is the world ending in 2012? To be honest I can't say for certain that it won't, but the fact that we are all talking about it and joking about it means it probably won't. So relax.

Will the NFL have games next season? Yes, they make too much money even though they aren't the superior American sport. And the Super Bowl is in Indy this year. They will play football, if only to realize that you shouldn't hold the Super Bowl in Indy.

Is the movie business going down the tube? No, it isn't. Did you see The Social Network last year? Super 8 this summer? Movies are fine. Ok maybe not The Green Lantern, but still.

There's no point in being a teacher anymore. The kids don't care, the parents don't care, and the government doesn't care. Really? Last I checked there were still quite a few kids in the world. And last I checked, a lot of them still need to learn how to read. Quit whining people and go teach.

Is this country going to Hell in a hand basket? The answer to that one depends on which one of two sides you are on (and there are only two sides-- don't be fooled). Actually the answer is the same for both parties. Everything is going wrong no matter what side you're on. Idiots.

Is this generation the worst generation yet? Heck yeah they are with their stupid tattoos (around since Ancient Egypt), their rap music (originated in 1975), foul language (how old is that??), blogosphere/social networking (ok that one's pretty new) and questionable sexual identity and experimentation (around since early Biblical times). In other words this has all been done before, and I feel like society is doing just as good as before.

Alright but what about the music industry? That's in real trouble. You can't argue your way out of that. Sure I can. You obviously don't know me too well.

When I hear people saying that the music industry is in trouble all I really hear is "blah blah blah." The only people in the music industry who are freaking out about it are the people who don't actually make music. Just like every other business, the music industry has had to streamline quite a bit since the economic downturn. The difference is that the music industry was already going through some major changes before the economy crashed. Online downloading sites like Napster and Limewire made it easy for people to get music instantly without having to pay for it. This was eventually controlled a little better with Amazon and iTunes offering legal downloads, and several websites offered legal streaming for listeners to preview and listen to music.

But the damage was done. There just isn't a lot overhead you can charge for something that was made on the computer and sold on the computer. Lavish spending had to be cut down, and music industry executives (along with a few famous but not so talented musicians) cried foul and infested music journalism with doomsday accords such as this one (Really? Our industry standard for judging success is Velvet Revolver?). The musicians and journalists are saying that the record companies are stealing the funds. The record companies are saying it costs too much to compete with digital downloading. The potheads are saying they don't remember what happened. And don't even get me started on the publishers.

Well guess what. If you didn't get the drift from the first paragraph, I'm an optimist. I love music, and so do you. So does everybody. Great music is still alive and well today, and the people who make it are making enough bank to keep giving us that music. And the proof comes from a not terribly attractive, lonely guy from Wisconsin.

Bon Iver (Justin Vernon is the leader's name, but the band is now a band) just released their new album entitled Bon Iver Bon Iver. It is a sprawling 10 track album with several songs decently longer than 3 minutes and one song less than two minutes. It is fairly difficult to understand the lyrics. There aren't too many super catchy riffs to sell listeners. The last track sounds like it comes from either a dramatic scene in a John Hughes movie or one of those morality scenes at the end of every Full House episode. It should also be mentioned that all the production on Bon Iver Bon Iver was done by Justin himself in, and the album was released by an independent record label (Jagjaguwar out of B-Town, USA). These components do not amount to what the music industry would define as what makes a great album. And do you realize that next week this album will probably be in the Billboard Top 200?

When Bon Iver's self-titled album was released on June 21-22 the fanfare was enormous. The band played on Jimmy Fallon and The Colbert Report (did you notice that they played different songs for each appearance?). This past Monday local record stores across the country held listening parties for the new album with all kinds of fun extras thrown in. You can buy this recording three different ways-- LP, CD, and digital (this is of course not news to many of you, but the LP has risen again). The album is also extremely critically acclaimed by all the people who are supposed to critically acclaim such things. And I think it's awesome(I own the album in all three formats, have watched his TV appearances and can't wait to sing all the words as loud as I can when he comes to Indy in July), so you know it's good .

Why would the success of some measly little rock album mean the music industry is fine? Because I have been geeking out on this album all week just like we all did with our favorite music when we were kids. I was in high school in 1999 when the music industry sold over 14 billion units and was at an all time high. I remember buying new albums (example: The Miseducation of Lauren Hill) and listening to them like they were going to be the key to understanding life. There is no difference between my love of music then and my love for it now. New music will continue to inspire me and blow me away until the day I die. The economy and the Internet can't change that. Maybe they can make it more difficult, but they can't change it. Music finds a way.

So calm down because the music industry isn't going anywhere. It isn't making the same amount of money anymore, but it didn't really need to make that much in the first place. Now go to a record store and buy something already.

The 2011 NBA Draft: Thousands of Words Wasted on Mediocrity (So Why Not A Thousand More)

I love the NBA. I love it more than I love my dog (look he's not really my dog yet so don't hate). I love it for the following five to six reasons:

1. It is basketball and basketball is the best sport made or played. Sorry Tony Messina, but it's true. I love or appreciate a lot of other sports (track and field type stuff, tennis, soccer, hockey, cricket, ping pong, volleyball, water polo, farting contests, Republican primaries, etc.), but for me nothing combines athleticism, strategy, watchable TV entertainment, and off season rumors and analysis quite like basketball.

2. The NBA is basketball's highest form of art. Of course, thousands if not millions of basketball fans disagree with me on this, but they are wrong. The basketball players in the NBA are better at basketball than anyone else. This is indisputable.

3. The NBA combines the melodrama of the WWE with the talent and dedication of actual athletes who actually play the game.

4. Specifically the state of the league right now. There were 6 teams that had a legitimate shot at the title this year (Lakers, Spurs, Thunder, Heat, Bulls, Celtics), and the Mavericks won. Do you realize that the Mavs weren't even in my parenthetical?! The teams can play, and there are a ton of players with all time great potential.

5. I grew up with the Indiana Pacers during they're greatest moments in the NBA. Reggie, The Davis Boys, The Dunking Dutchman, Mark Jackson, and the rest of the gang were my heroes growing up. I have been and always will be a Pacer fan, and they are an NBA franchise so there you go.

6. This reason is completely arbitrary. So think of any reason you want. Lebron James sucks. There. Reason #6.

This all brings me, unfortunately, to the purpose of this post. I am totally over how much is being written and discussed about the NBA draft. I just don't see the point in it all (and yes I am aware that I am only adding to the massive amount of coverage it's already getting). If you go to my current favorite website, you will notice that there are no less than six articles in the past five days on the NBA draft and it's litany of possibilities. Anyway, here's my point...

Modern sports journalism is mostly centered around predicting and discussing the unknown. Who will win the title this year? Which team will be up and coming? Which player will move up a level this year? But all of that is based on actual athletics from the previous season. There is some kind of circumstantial evidence to predict the result. But with the NBA draft they are basing it on a whole lot of nothing.

Of course the NBA draft is hardly the only sporting event that wastes our time with completely arbitrary conjecture. The NFL draft is just as bad (if not worse), and it takes forever. If Cam Newton wins the Super Bowl next year then maybe I'll back off. However, college basketball recruiting is as bad and unpredictable as any of it. I have not had a single conversation with an IU basketball fan that does not eventually dovetail into how awesome the 2012-13 season is going to be. It's two years away (as a reasonably big IU fan-- not devout like I am for the Pacers but pretty close-- I do sympathize with the issue considering how bad we've been. We need some hope. Like now.) and one of the more widely read college basketball articles on espn.com is about how IU got it's 2012 recruits and how it's legal.

But with the NBA draft, we are working with a smaller group of people and thus a more obsessive analysis. We get to hear the incomparably predictable Jay Bilas talk about "upside" and "leaping ability" and "athleticism" and "length" and "wingspan." We get to hear how dumb some of these guys sound after only one year at an ok state school. We get to become hopeful about how much Jimmer Fredette can do for our team even though he won't be aloud to hold the ball very long and he won't be allowed to be taller than 6'2". And we get to pontificate about how great Kyrie Irving will be even though he only played 11 games last year and doesn't really have any numbers or games to back up the claims. And don't forget about Derrick Williams who one writer described as the next Al Harrington (I am so excited for what he can do). I actually got in an argument online with some people who thought trading Danny Granger for the completely unproven Derrick Williams was a totally great idea after the Pacers made the playoffs. Sorry friends but trading Danny Granger for a young Al Harrington is not a good idea.

Let's not start hypothesizing about which one of these guys will be better than Dwayne Wade or Pau Gasol. Maybe after we watch them play some pro ball we can talk about how great they could be, but for now, can it. Just watch the draft and enjoy the lockout.

Oh and by the way...Bismack Biyombo is the next Dikembe Mutombo. Take it to the bank.

Top Five Reasons I am Not a Hipster

I thought about trying to be cool and hip (uh-oh) on this first blog post by not doing an intro on how this is my first blog post.

Reason #5: Well guess what...

I'm definitely going to write an intro paragraph. I was inspired to blog again (I used to have another summer boredom blog a while back) by the unstoppably thoughtful Nick Buck, and the new pop culture and sports website from Bill Simmons (who also happens to be the inspiration for Linkfest 2011 in this paragraph). Do I have thoughts, opinions, cool links, and some crazy arguments that might matter to people? Maybe, but this blog is more just for my own therapy and to tickle my cultural relevance bone. The first four or five blog posts are going to be essay-style vignettes on cultural stereotypes; the music industry; how the world of sports effects the music industry; why art music is still very much being made but not by the people who think they are making it; and maybe even a couple dips into why movies suck or don't suck. After that, however, I intend to try and be a little more bloggy and just post some good links to interesting music or funny articles. We'll see how that goes. For now here are the four other reasons why I am not a hipster.

Reason #4: I love the music of Britney Spears nonironically...

Wait, I should probably explain where this is coming from. I was recently accused of being a hipster (albeit jokingly with no intent to malign), and it got me thinking: what if I am a hipster? I enjoy new indie rock bands and enjoy showing people that I know about them. I like surfing pitchfork.com. I enjoy seeing what's going on in the Bloomington art, music, and theatre scene (beware of the scenesters-- the younger and way uncooler versions of hipsters that used to hang out at Rhino's back when the term scenesters existed-- by the way I have no beef with Rhino's whatsoever. It seems like a great place for kids). I like hip sci-fi and AMC shows. And I have heard of and enjoyed some music and blogs that you have not even imagined, and I think they are ok. So far, things look good for me to be a hipster.

But common really? No way I'm a hipster. In fact, some hipsters are insulted at the very idea of this claim and focusing their pain into making snarky comments about this article RIGHT NOW. Ouch, that one really hurts man. With that said, here are the rest of the reasons I am not a hipster.

There is no denying this any longer. I have been a long time fan of Britney Spears. For the past several years, I have masked my familiarity with Britney by simply saying I was a fan of her song "Toxic", which is a legitimately well-crafted cool song. But my interest goes much further than that. I love pretty much everything off the first album and beyond. I definitely cooled off from anything related to her unfortunate turn in the movie Crossroads, but then when she came out with her blatant-sex-appeal-style tunes like "Slave 4 U" and other club hits I was hooked. Her new stuff is great too because it stays within the confines of what it is. She is not trying to be overly deep, she is just trying to make you dance. Oh, on another note Kevin Federline was one of the great early no-talent-celebrities.

Reason No. 4 could easily been a number of musical choices. For instance, I still like the Dave Matthews Band. Their most recent music (as in the last 6-8 years) is boring, but I still like a lot of their old stuff and would enjoy them live if I decided to go again. In addition, I am not really into LCD Soundsystem. The music doesn't bug me, but I have never bought anything from the group (and by group I mean man) and have no intention to anytime soon. This whole article could be dedicated to the musical divisions between the hipsters and I, but I don't want to waste too many words on it because it probably just became cool and hip to like Britney Spears thus wasting reason number 4.

Reason #3: I don't dig wearing clothes that are too small...

because they don't fit! Don't get me wrong. I like it when things fit me well (as in not baggy), especially in my current thinner days (not so much in my bigger days), but I just don't have the body type for such an investment. And here is the other thing-- not a whole lot of hipsters do either. I have been to a countless number of indie rock and hardcore shows, and I have always been inspired by how bold some people are about showing off their hideously grotesque and lumpy bodies. Don't mistake that for cruelty or cynicism-- I genuinely do admire these people. But it's just not something I am comfortable with. Hipsters are incredibly self-aware, but they channel that aggressively through opinions, bold fashion choices, and, of course, denying they're hipsters (more on this later). That's just not my bag. On a related note, I am really into team sportswear right now (I have this beyond-lame desire to collect college basketball t-shirts from every Indiana college), and that doesn't seem too hipster unless I shrunk the shirts down to a Small. Also, when I wear a tie I try to button the top button, but I digress.

Reason #2: I'm a little too goofy...

but not terribly funny. I definitely got jokes, but my humor doesn't translate well to the hipster crowd because it is not too cynical or ironic. According to Nick Buck and future wife Nora Phelan, my humor is a little eccentric. In a middle school crowd I can slaughter, but at The Bishop it's crickets or sympathy laughs. Moreover, the very fact that I am even thinking about this or talking about it in a way that seems almost like a humblebrag would get me kicked out of most indie hipster circles. At least my kids will think I'm funny until they turn 13 and become too cool to laugh. Those first 13 years will be good times. I miss them already.

Reason #1: The fact that I am even investigating myself as a potential hipster...

excludes me from being a hipster. Honest self-analyzing is one of the most uncool things on the planet Earth. This blog will lose 30% of it's readers on this first article because of the saturation of first person pronouns and overall whininess (actually that was probably the only whiny sentence in the whole piece-- my bad). Hipsters will vehemently deny that they are hipsters. I know people who are hipsters, and I would never want to have that conversation with them because it would be a waste time. What am I gonna do? Show them who they truly are? Convert them? Show them the way? Why would I want to create such an enemy? It just seems wrong to vilify a culture that is assisting in giving me a lot of music and words that I love consuming. I try not to be too much of a hater, so it would be hypocritical of me to go around hating hipsters when they give me such wonderful tunes.

So hipsters keep doing your thing. You'll never admit it's your thing anyway, which is perfect because constantly talking about doing your thing gets in the way of actually doing your thing. Go Team Hipster!