On Tour With the 7th Best Band in America: Part 2

So I slept a lot less than I thought on the road to Cleveland. The journey there included listening to some great albums by a diverse set of artists including U2, Warren G, a Flannelgraph Records sampler, Mercyful Fate, Teenage Fanclub, the Either/or LEM, the That Thing You Do soundtrack, Monahan, and some other stuff that I can't remember cause I'm not cool like that.

It is fun to get a music education, but it is awkward not knowing all of the music they know. I try and handle it a lot differently than I did when I was younger. Back then I would just always pretend that I knew exactly what those smarter people were talking about, and I got nothing from it (sorry Ben Syversen). Now I just try to ask even if I come off stupid, and I get exposed to better music because of it. And that is the most interesting aspect about being in different musical worlds; not what the average person says when they are saying rock, country rap or whatever, but truly different cultures that just happen to form around music. I am not really sure what musical culture I belong to. I've just always wanted to be a part of the culture of music itself. But that is an ideal. The real world is a lot more complicated and a lot more interesting.

All whiney introspective crap aside we played our Cleveland show at a place called The Happy Dog. They have crazy awesome hot dogs for which you can get pretty much whatever toping you want (a fried egg, habanero peppers, and chunky peanut butter were some of the highlights). After we scarfed those down we played a show to an audience of fans were sat down casually and gave us strange looks. Tim was sick; I kept missing notes; Mike had technical issues. We got through the set, and I felt as if I may have brought down the band. Really the whole vibe was off from the evening with the strange audience (and yet the band still made money for themselves which was cool).

The band decided to head straight for Columbus that night, where we stayed at a friend of Tim's. Fun fact: rock bands sleep in. I was the first one up at a little after 10. We set out for lunch at a killer German restaurant called Schmidt's where we were educated on the vaunted history of 6 generations of Schmidt family. But really we just ate a ton of sausage. From there we hit the record store called (a great store, but you have to delve through a sea of crap and stuff you haven't heard of to achieve any kind of success).

The show we played on Thursday night was at a house called The Purple Room. The show stared about 2 hours late with a band that none of us could figure out the name of. A house show is a thing of itself for those who have never been to one. I have played at a couple, and sometimes I think it is one of the most b.a. shows to play. There seems to be a lot less pressure, which makes me play more relaxed and better. We played a heavy set of tunes that night (on the last blog post I might try and post our set lists) and just went nuts. The people who were there were into it and the band was into it. This show was definitely more comfortable than the first, and I hope it keeps getting better from here.

Unfortunately due to my strange schedule, yesterday was the last pure aspect of the tour. I will driving around separately now, and that will be a new sensation. I'm still looking forward to all the great shows though. Tonight we play at Luna Records in Indy. Here's hoping the journey continues to build momentum.

Go team.

On Tour With the 7th Best Band in America: Part 1

Very few people have been as excited as I am to make this statement:

In about twenty minutes* I leave for Cleveland, OH.

I know it seems like a terrible thing to say since LeBron James didn't even say it and he is from northern Ohio. But my reasoning is different. I am going on the road for a small tour with one of the better indie/local bands on the planet right now-- Husband&Wife. I am not just sucking up when I say they are one of my favorite bands-- yesterday I spent the better part of an hour searching for their 2004 self-titled album on the Internet (for the record I was unsuccessful). The band is reasonably ashamed of this album, but I still wanted it. Because that is what a fanboy does. He gets everything possible the artist created because they can barely do wrong.

However, the fanboy doesn't usually get to tour with their favorite band as their bass player. Bryant Fox (whose other band, Alexander the Great, I am a psuedo-member of) is the band's normal bad ass (was that my first swear on this blog?! Sorry to the middle schoolers reading this; you shouldn't be reading it anyway; quit stalking me.) bass player who I am going to fail to imitate for the next five days. He is away in Maine inspiring and having fun with kids at a summer camp. In the meantime I have done my best (or close to my best) to learn his snaky melodic bass lines from their past three full-length albums (Operation:Surgery, Dark Dark Woods, and Proud Flesh).

We will be setting out in the band's now infamous Ford Windstar to Cleveland, Columbus, Indy, Grand Rapids MI, and Kalamazoo MI. At some point during this trek I will also be DJing a friend of mine's wedding in South Bend which will create some fun and groovy stress for getting to the other shows.

Over the course of the tour, I will try and leave little snippets of bloggness for your enjoyment and insight, and you can check out more tour coverage on the band's own tour blog. The band will share the stage with Sleeping Bag for the entire tour which should generate even more crazy-go-nuts rock and roll for the whole family to enjoy.

Getting to play on tour with one of my favorite bands was always a little dream of mine when I was a kid (of course the bands at that time included Boys to Men and Pearl Jam, so there's that). I look forward to seeing how this dream fleshes out starting with the greatest city in northern Ohio. Hmmm...

*Editor's note: It has been more than twenty minutes. Zac the drummer is stuck at work. Great rock never starts on time.

The NBA: Where Amazing Is Locked Out

This is a rant.

I have no great facts or enlightenment for you on the recent NBA lockout. Many people who are not even NBA fans have already read about some of the awful contracts on the NBA, or how two of those top 10 contracts (Rashard Lewis and Gilbert Arenas-- who were traded for each other this season) go to two guys who can't play basketball at a high level anymore and also have been suspended by the league for various nefarious plots (Rashard for violating the league drug policy and Gilbert for just being an overall idiot). Many of you know that three of those contracts go to men who no longer play at the level they are payed for even though they still matter to their teams (Kevin Garnett, Tim Duncan, Kobe Bryant). And of course many of you know that the Atlanta Hawks are idiots and gave Joe Johnson more money than LeBron James gets (I'm a LeBron hater as much as the next guy, but he is better than Joe Johnson and his name is infinitely cooler). Many of you know that Eddy Curry was given a 60 million dollar contract for being fat and stupid and, according to recent reports, is in debt.

On the other side of the coin, many of you know that the owners claim that they are losing as much as 300 million a season and have been in debt ever since the now previous collective bargaining agreement was agreed upon in 2005. Meanwhile, Mark Cuban is thinking about buying a professional baseball team and Donald Sterling/Glen Taylor is still alive. Both of these facts are proof that most of the owners pretty much suck.

But I think one of the worst and most unbelievable facts about this new lockout is how it came to pass. They knew they were walking into that meeting last Thursday to lockout the players. They knew! This is some sort of strategy so the real negotiating can begin. And they have known this was coming for almost two years.

Now I don't know much about collective bargaining except for in the world of education. But even in some pretty rough meetings the goal was to actually figure out the contract even though the sides disagreed. Wait. What? They don't have collective bargaining for teachers in some states anymore? Really? The NBA is respectable and fair to it's multi-million dollar labor core and the government thinks forty grand is a little rich for someone who teaches kids how to exist in society? That makes perfect sense. Keep up the good work World of Education. Glenn Taylor is more reasonable than you. Nice friggin job. Enjoy the vouchers.

Ok, sorry I got distracted. Now the three or four of you who are still reading this post are probably wondering if I have picked a side on this lockout issue. Oh yeah, I have definitely picked a side. The fans.

We NBA fans don't care all that much if the players are getting payed a butt-ton (that phrase copywright of Mike Burkhart) as long as the game is exciting. And the game was exciting this year. As mentioned in a previous post, there were 6 teams that could have definitely won the title. And it went to the Mavericks who weren't even expected by most pundits to make it out of the first round. That is exciting basketball. Oh and the Pacers mattered. Not that any of you know that...

If an off-topic rant is too long I have decided to go to italics since I can't figure out how to do the cool foot notes (side notes?) thing that Bill Simmons does on Grantland. So pay attention Pacers fans. Go to a flippin' game. I had no money this year and I went to a game. The Pacers were last in overall attendance this year. Dead last. More people attended NBA games in Sacremento (an insult to basketball currently), New Jersey (openly admitting how much they hate it there by moving to Brooklyn in the next two or three years), Minnesota (are you kidding me?! KAAAAAAHHHNNNNN!!!), Charlotte (the city loved basketball so much that the Hornets left), and Detroit (I don't think anyone even lives there anymore). The Pacers had a scrappy and respectable team this season. They weren't awesome, but they played hard and showed as much in the playoffs. Also, Conseco Fieldhouse is a world class facility for basketball, and Indiana is a basketball state. Indiana fans, I don't care if you think they don't call players for traveling enough, or the game is too boring, or whatever lame crap you've got to say. Go to a Pacers game and enjoy yourself. It's cheap enough, and we just traded for a player who grew up here. That ought to appease you people who are still mad we didn't draft Steve Alford (got Reggie instead) or keep Damon Bailey. Oh, and The Malace at the Palace was seven years ago and all of the players from that scandel are gone. Get. Over. It.

Ok side rant done. Back to the regular rant.

So other than all the Indiana fans that don't go to games, the rest of the NBA fans will suffer because of the lockout. Popularity of the league will go down, which will lessen the hype, which will lessen the actual excitement of the game. Many players will leave for Europe to keep playing. The forward motion will stall and teams won't be as prepared for the season. We may not get to see Miami lose again for a whole season. We won't get to see KG get raging mad at a no-name player. We won't get to see Russell Westbrook show people that he is actually good at basketball. We won't get to see the Bulls try and shop Carlos Boozer to the Bobcats for three future second round picks (you know MJ would pull the trigger on that one). We won't get to see if Memphis basketball can matter again on the professional level. And we won't get to see if Dallas is able to defend that magical title run.

Look I know there are more important things than the NBA. If there is no season, I could actually be good at what I do (conducting and teaching bands-- the sit-down-or-march-around-with-mouthpieces-kind). I could read great books and have relevant discussions on them. I could actually help my fiancee' plan our wedding. I could listen to hours upon hours of great music. I could run some more races. But after all that, what would I do when I got done facebooking? Search for new Lady Gaga rumors? No, I want to follow all the trade gossip and overanalyzation of the world's most exciting real professional sports league and watch games on TV two to five times a week. And now these rich prics are taking it away from me and the rest of the fans. Lame.

I understand that I am not as smart and on top of the issues as David Stern, Adam Silver, and Derek Fischer. None of them are much taller than me and work in the NBA. That makes them smarter. But smarter doesn't mean they understand what they are doing. So many people I have talked to have already written the players and owners off like I did in the last sentence of the previous paragraph. The difference is those people were watching some playoff games and getting intrigued, but now they will quit and just wait out the NFL whining fest. I'm too devout to do that to the NBA, but I'm one of the few. I am not one of those fans who liked the product when no one else did (I'm talking to you Radiohead fans or any other rock band that made it big but lost some of it's initial fan base for it). I want everyone to be NBA fans, but it won't happen. Even if we had a full regular season, a decent portion of the fan base is already gone.

Listen up owners and players. I have tried my hardest to be someone who understands why you make the money you do, and I want to approach this like any fair contract dispute. But I can't do it anymore. Millions of people in the USA are out of work, and millions more are ridiculousely underpaid (firemen, cops, teachers, small business employees, The NHL, the dude who always gives me extra olives on my Subway sandwich, most of the Indiana University faculty, Brad Stevens, self-employed musicians, pastors, community organizers, non-profit businesses, nurses, Greene County IN, and the entire state of North Dakota to name a few). The most poorly payed player in the NBA this season made 473,604 dollars this year. That's a lot of money. If I made that cash in my first year on the job, I could buy a very reasonable and lovely house while my future wife covered some of the bills. I could buy it outright. That's for the lowly 2nd round rookie. Kobe "Black Mamba" Bryant makes 25 million dollars (even Tom Hanks doesn't make that). And these are the laborers, not the owners.

NBA: Get over yourself. Players, take less guaranteed money. Owners, don't shaft the players on profits. Now sign on the dotted line. There. Rant over. Now does anyone have any suggestions for great books? The trade/free agent rumors are scant these days.

Synthetic Health: The Curious Case of Diet Mountain Dew

Aspartame: noun-- a white, crystalline, odorless, slightly water-soluble non-carbohydrate powder, synthesized from amino acids, that is 150-200 times sweeter than sugar, used as a low calorie sugar substitute in soft drinks, table sweeteners, and other food.

When writing formally (which is certainly not what this is), is one supposed to cite the dictionary? If so, please see my footnotes at the end (yeah right).

I have argued for years that when a person eats a pop-tart they are eating nothing real. A pop-tart has several ingredients in it that have long names and are essentially a waste of my time, but the key ingredients it should contain-- fruit and wheat-- are mysteriously absent. Don't eat pop-tarts people. When you buy blueberry pop-tarts you are in fact not buying anything remotely involving blueberries. They are lying to you. Or at least that is what I thought until I discovered diet sodas.

I have begun a quest to wean myself off the greatest addiction of my life-- Mountain Dew. I have succeeded in purging the delicious soda pop before. From January-March 2009, I lost 58 pounds (this was added onto a previous 20 pounds I had lost for a grand total of 78 pounds of weight loss-- and I didn't even need to cry on national TV to do it-- and at one point I had lost 100). I didn't ingest any Mountain Dew whatsoever, so I thought I was cured. But as soon as my diet purge ended I fell back into the groove. Now I haven't gained too much weight back or anything, but it is still an unhealthy addiction.

After years of personal conflict and anguish (and a whole bunch of people telling me I should try it), I have decided to start drinking Diet Mountain Dew (DMD). We can get into a whole big debate later on the irony of letting go of one drink only to consume another made by the same company (that Pepsi Corporation is downright diabolical; no wonder they own Taco Bell), but the point I want to make here is how worried I am that I am consuming something that actually doesn't exist...

For the record, I am no chemist. If you came to this blog today hoping to learn some of the intricacies behind what goes into DMD, you have wasted your time. In fact, I hate chemistry and any of it's related scientific disciplines where you can't really see what you are studying. It's not that I don't trust the chemists or microbiologists. I'm not one of those nuts who says it doesn't exist if you can't see it. I believe God exists. But God is presented to most of us as a sentient being we can talk to and question. The day you tell me I can have a conversation about my life's journey with a quark is the day I sign up for the micro-imaginary world full time.

In the meantime, the healthy-living universe is asking us to do things more naturally. Buy organic foods (I am not excited about the possibility that my banana is inorganic); eat less processed foods (nevermind the fact that without processing we might still be in the dark ages); exercise and play outside more (done); and consume less high fructose corn syrup (but isn't it the same basic thing as sugar?). All of these things are actually good for you (they dodge the fact that all you have to do is eat less than you burn and you lose weight, and most of these "facts" are based on business models to sell other products like you-know-what, but I digress). And you should think that they are good for you and your body because they are. But there is one other issue that needs to be tackled.

At the top of this post is the definition for aspartame. This product is not real. It came from something real (do you realize the basis of aspartame is a chemical found in some asparagus? Wait a minute! What?!). But it is not real. The form of the material is crystalline. I don't know much about crystals other than the fact that I don't like Yani. I also don't like Columbian Coffee Crystals or The Crystalline Entity. All three of these things are fake and caused much harm to the people around them.

And yet, this strange substance known as aspartame is helping me lose weight. I usually crave the sweet taste of a regular Mountain Dew or a Mello Yello a few times a day, but I haven't craved it in a week. Instead I crave the something that is more mysterious. Diet Mountain Dew and I will be friends for now, but just as with my imaginary friends I had when I was a kid, I will eventually have to rid myself of this potentially diabolical new addiction.

Going from one addiction to a slightly better one is a normal and healthy way to get rid of something. But what about when your new addiction doesn't exist? If Diet Mountain Dew isn't real, am I really addicted to it? Boy, I'm craving one right now. Or am I?

Bon IverX3: Why the Music Industry Is Just Fine

You know what really grinds my gears? That I am going to actually feel guilty for posting that link even though there is a profane word at the end. Feel free not to watch it. Just calm down will ya? Just kidding. Anyway, what really grinds my gears is doomsday talk. Any and all forms of it.

Is the world ending in 2012? To be honest I can't say for certain that it won't, but the fact that we are all talking about it and joking about it means it probably won't. So relax.

Will the NFL have games next season? Yes, they make too much money even though they aren't the superior American sport. And the Super Bowl is in Indy this year. They will play football, if only to realize that you shouldn't hold the Super Bowl in Indy.

Is the movie business going down the tube? No, it isn't. Did you see The Social Network last year? Super 8 this summer? Movies are fine. Ok maybe not The Green Lantern, but still.

There's no point in being a teacher anymore. The kids don't care, the parents don't care, and the government doesn't care. Really? Last I checked there were still quite a few kids in the world. And last I checked, a lot of them still need to learn how to read. Quit whining people and go teach.

Is this country going to Hell in a hand basket? The answer to that one depends on which one of two sides you are on (and there are only two sides-- don't be fooled). Actually the answer is the same for both parties. Everything is going wrong no matter what side you're on. Idiots.

Is this generation the worst generation yet? Heck yeah they are with their stupid tattoos (around since Ancient Egypt), their rap music (originated in 1975), foul language (how old is that??), blogosphere/social networking (ok that one's pretty new) and questionable sexual identity and experimentation (around since early Biblical times). In other words this has all been done before, and I feel like society is doing just as good as before.

Alright but what about the music industry? That's in real trouble. You can't argue your way out of that. Sure I can. You obviously don't know me too well.

When I hear people saying that the music industry is in trouble all I really hear is "blah blah blah." The only people in the music industry who are freaking out about it are the people who don't actually make music. Just like every other business, the music industry has had to streamline quite a bit since the economic downturn. The difference is that the music industry was already going through some major changes before the economy crashed. Online downloading sites like Napster and Limewire made it easy for people to get music instantly without having to pay for it. This was eventually controlled a little better with Amazon and iTunes offering legal downloads, and several websites offered legal streaming for listeners to preview and listen to music.

But the damage was done. There just isn't a lot overhead you can charge for something that was made on the computer and sold on the computer. Lavish spending had to be cut down, and music industry executives (along with a few famous but not so talented musicians) cried foul and infested music journalism with doomsday accords such as this one (Really? Our industry standard for judging success is Velvet Revolver?). The musicians and journalists are saying that the record companies are stealing the funds. The record companies are saying it costs too much to compete with digital downloading. The potheads are saying they don't remember what happened. And don't even get me started on the publishers.

Well guess what. If you didn't get the drift from the first paragraph, I'm an optimist. I love music, and so do you. So does everybody. Great music is still alive and well today, and the people who make it are making enough bank to keep giving us that music. And the proof comes from a not terribly attractive, lonely guy from Wisconsin.

Bon Iver (Justin Vernon is the leader's name, but the band is now a band) just released their new album entitled Bon Iver Bon Iver. It is a sprawling 10 track album with several songs decently longer than 3 minutes and one song less than two minutes. It is fairly difficult to understand the lyrics. There aren't too many super catchy riffs to sell listeners. The last track sounds like it comes from either a dramatic scene in a John Hughes movie or one of those morality scenes at the end of every Full House episode. It should also be mentioned that all the production on Bon Iver Bon Iver was done by Justin himself in, and the album was released by an independent record label (Jagjaguwar out of B-Town, USA). These components do not amount to what the music industry would define as what makes a great album. And do you realize that next week this album will probably be in the Billboard Top 200?

When Bon Iver's self-titled album was released on June 21-22 the fanfare was enormous. The band played on Jimmy Fallon and The Colbert Report (did you notice that they played different songs for each appearance?). This past Monday local record stores across the country held listening parties for the new album with all kinds of fun extras thrown in. You can buy this recording three different ways-- LP, CD, and digital (this is of course not news to many of you, but the LP has risen again). The album is also extremely critically acclaimed by all the people who are supposed to critically acclaim such things. And I think it's awesome(I own the album in all three formats, have watched his TV appearances and can't wait to sing all the words as loud as I can when he comes to Indy in July), so you know it's good .

Why would the success of some measly little rock album mean the music industry is fine? Because I have been geeking out on this album all week just like we all did with our favorite music when we were kids. I was in high school in 1999 when the music industry sold over 14 billion units and was at an all time high. I remember buying new albums (example: The Miseducation of Lauren Hill) and listening to them like they were going to be the key to understanding life. There is no difference between my love of music then and my love for it now. New music will continue to inspire me and blow me away until the day I die. The economy and the Internet can't change that. Maybe they can make it more difficult, but they can't change it. Music finds a way.

So calm down because the music industry isn't going anywhere. It isn't making the same amount of money anymore, but it didn't really need to make that much in the first place. Now go to a record store and buy something already.

The 2011 NBA Draft: Thousands of Words Wasted on Mediocrity (So Why Not A Thousand More)

I love the NBA. I love it more than I love my dog (look he's not really my dog yet so don't hate). I love it for the following five to six reasons:

1. It is basketball and basketball is the best sport made or played. Sorry Tony Messina, but it's true. I love or appreciate a lot of other sports (track and field type stuff, tennis, soccer, hockey, cricket, ping pong, volleyball, water polo, farting contests, Republican primaries, etc.), but for me nothing combines athleticism, strategy, watchable TV entertainment, and off season rumors and analysis quite like basketball.

2. The NBA is basketball's highest form of art. Of course, thousands if not millions of basketball fans disagree with me on this, but they are wrong. The basketball players in the NBA are better at basketball than anyone else. This is indisputable.

3. The NBA combines the melodrama of the WWE with the talent and dedication of actual athletes who actually play the game.

4. Specifically the state of the league right now. There were 6 teams that had a legitimate shot at the title this year (Lakers, Spurs, Thunder, Heat, Bulls, Celtics), and the Mavericks won. Do you realize that the Mavs weren't even in my parenthetical?! The teams can play, and there are a ton of players with all time great potential.

5. I grew up with the Indiana Pacers during they're greatest moments in the NBA. Reggie, The Davis Boys, The Dunking Dutchman, Mark Jackson, and the rest of the gang were my heroes growing up. I have been and always will be a Pacer fan, and they are an NBA franchise so there you go.

6. This reason is completely arbitrary. So think of any reason you want. Lebron James sucks. There. Reason #6.

This all brings me, unfortunately, to the purpose of this post. I am totally over how much is being written and discussed about the NBA draft. I just don't see the point in it all (and yes I am aware that I am only adding to the massive amount of coverage it's already getting). If you go to my current favorite website, you will notice that there are no less than six articles in the past five days on the NBA draft and it's litany of possibilities. Anyway, here's my point...

Modern sports journalism is mostly centered around predicting and discussing the unknown. Who will win the title this year? Which team will be up and coming? Which player will move up a level this year? But all of that is based on actual athletics from the previous season. There is some kind of circumstantial evidence to predict the result. But with the NBA draft they are basing it on a whole lot of nothing.

Of course the NBA draft is hardly the only sporting event that wastes our time with completely arbitrary conjecture. The NFL draft is just as bad (if not worse), and it takes forever. If Cam Newton wins the Super Bowl next year then maybe I'll back off. However, college basketball recruiting is as bad and unpredictable as any of it. I have not had a single conversation with an IU basketball fan that does not eventually dovetail into how awesome the 2012-13 season is going to be. It's two years away (as a reasonably big IU fan-- not devout like I am for the Pacers but pretty close-- I do sympathize with the issue considering how bad we've been. We need some hope. Like now.) and one of the more widely read college basketball articles on espn.com is about how IU got it's 2012 recruits and how it's legal.

But with the NBA draft, we are working with a smaller group of people and thus a more obsessive analysis. We get to hear the incomparably predictable Jay Bilas talk about "upside" and "leaping ability" and "athleticism" and "length" and "wingspan." We get to hear how dumb some of these guys sound after only one year at an ok state school. We get to become hopeful about how much Jimmer Fredette can do for our team even though he won't be aloud to hold the ball very long and he won't be allowed to be taller than 6'2". And we get to pontificate about how great Kyrie Irving will be even though he only played 11 games last year and doesn't really have any numbers or games to back up the claims. And don't forget about Derrick Williams who one writer described as the next Al Harrington (I am so excited for what he can do). I actually got in an argument online with some people who thought trading Danny Granger for the completely unproven Derrick Williams was a totally great idea after the Pacers made the playoffs. Sorry friends but trading Danny Granger for a young Al Harrington is not a good idea.

Let's not start hypothesizing about which one of these guys will be better than Dwayne Wade or Pau Gasol. Maybe after we watch them play some pro ball we can talk about how great they could be, but for now, can it. Just watch the draft and enjoy the lockout.

Oh and by the way...Bismack Biyombo is the next Dikembe Mutombo. Take it to the bank.

Top Five Reasons I am Not a Hipster

I thought about trying to be cool and hip (uh-oh) on this first blog post by not doing an intro on how this is my first blog post.

Reason #5: Well guess what...

I'm definitely going to write an intro paragraph. I was inspired to blog again (I used to have another summer boredom blog a while back) by the unstoppably thoughtful Nick Buck, and the new pop culture and sports website from Bill Simmons (who also happens to be the inspiration for Linkfest 2011 in this paragraph). Do I have thoughts, opinions, cool links, and some crazy arguments that might matter to people? Maybe, but this blog is more just for my own therapy and to tickle my cultural relevance bone. The first four or five blog posts are going to be essay-style vignettes on cultural stereotypes; the music industry; how the world of sports effects the music industry; why art music is still very much being made but not by the people who think they are making it; and maybe even a couple dips into why movies suck or don't suck. After that, however, I intend to try and be a little more bloggy and just post some good links to interesting music or funny articles. We'll see how that goes. For now here are the four other reasons why I am not a hipster.

Reason #4: I love the music of Britney Spears nonironically...

Wait, I should probably explain where this is coming from. I was recently accused of being a hipster (albeit jokingly with no intent to malign), and it got me thinking: what if I am a hipster? I enjoy new indie rock bands and enjoy showing people that I know about them. I like surfing pitchfork.com. I enjoy seeing what's going on in the Bloomington art, music, and theatre scene (beware of the scenesters-- the younger and way uncooler versions of hipsters that used to hang out at Rhino's back when the term scenesters existed-- by the way I have no beef with Rhino's whatsoever. It seems like a great place for kids). I like hip sci-fi and AMC shows. And I have heard of and enjoyed some music and blogs that you have not even imagined, and I think they are ok. So far, things look good for me to be a hipster.

But common really? No way I'm a hipster. In fact, some hipsters are insulted at the very idea of this claim and focusing their pain into making snarky comments about this article RIGHT NOW. Ouch, that one really hurts man. With that said, here are the rest of the reasons I am not a hipster.

There is no denying this any longer. I have been a long time fan of Britney Spears. For the past several years, I have masked my familiarity with Britney by simply saying I was a fan of her song "Toxic", which is a legitimately well-crafted cool song. But my interest goes much further than that. I love pretty much everything off the first album and beyond. I definitely cooled off from anything related to her unfortunate turn in the movie Crossroads, but then when she came out with her blatant-sex-appeal-style tunes like "Slave 4 U" and other club hits I was hooked. Her new stuff is great too because it stays within the confines of what it is. She is not trying to be overly deep, she is just trying to make you dance. Oh, on another note Kevin Federline was one of the great early no-talent-celebrities.

Reason No. 4 could easily been a number of musical choices. For instance, I still like the Dave Matthews Band. Their most recent music (as in the last 6-8 years) is boring, but I still like a lot of their old stuff and would enjoy them live if I decided to go again. In addition, I am not really into LCD Soundsystem. The music doesn't bug me, but I have never bought anything from the group (and by group I mean man) and have no intention to anytime soon. This whole article could be dedicated to the musical divisions between the hipsters and I, but I don't want to waste too many words on it because it probably just became cool and hip to like Britney Spears thus wasting reason number 4.

Reason #3: I don't dig wearing clothes that are too small...

because they don't fit! Don't get me wrong. I like it when things fit me well (as in not baggy), especially in my current thinner days (not so much in my bigger days), but I just don't have the body type for such an investment. And here is the other thing-- not a whole lot of hipsters do either. I have been to a countless number of indie rock and hardcore shows, and I have always been inspired by how bold some people are about showing off their hideously grotesque and lumpy bodies. Don't mistake that for cruelty or cynicism-- I genuinely do admire these people. But it's just not something I am comfortable with. Hipsters are incredibly self-aware, but they channel that aggressively through opinions, bold fashion choices, and, of course, denying they're hipsters (more on this later). That's just not my bag. On a related note, I am really into team sportswear right now (I have this beyond-lame desire to collect college basketball t-shirts from every Indiana college), and that doesn't seem too hipster unless I shrunk the shirts down to a Small. Also, when I wear a tie I try to button the top button, but I digress.

Reason #2: I'm a little too goofy...

but not terribly funny. I definitely got jokes, but my humor doesn't translate well to the hipster crowd because it is not too cynical or ironic. According to Nick Buck and future wife Nora Phelan, my humor is a little eccentric. In a middle school crowd I can slaughter, but at The Bishop it's crickets or sympathy laughs. Moreover, the very fact that I am even thinking about this or talking about it in a way that seems almost like a humblebrag would get me kicked out of most indie hipster circles. At least my kids will think I'm funny until they turn 13 and become too cool to laugh. Those first 13 years will be good times. I miss them already.

Reason #1: The fact that I am even investigating myself as a potential hipster...

excludes me from being a hipster. Honest self-analyzing is one of the most uncool things on the planet Earth. This blog will lose 30% of it's readers on this first article because of the saturation of first person pronouns and overall whininess (actually that was probably the only whiny sentence in the whole piece-- my bad). Hipsters will vehemently deny that they are hipsters. I know people who are hipsters, and I would never want to have that conversation with them because it would be a waste time. What am I gonna do? Show them who they truly are? Convert them? Show them the way? Why would I want to create such an enemy? It just seems wrong to vilify a culture that is assisting in giving me a lot of music and words that I love consuming. I try not to be too much of a hater, so it would be hypocritical of me to go around hating hipsters when they give me such wonderful tunes.

So hipsters keep doing your thing. You'll never admit it's your thing anyway, which is perfect because constantly talking about doing your thing gets in the way of actually doing your thing. Go Team Hipster!