Top Five Reasons I am Not a Hipster

I thought about trying to be cool and hip (uh-oh) on this first blog post by not doing an intro on how this is my first blog post.

Reason #5: Well guess what...

I'm definitely going to write an intro paragraph. I was inspired to blog again (I used to have another summer boredom blog a while back) by the unstoppably thoughtful Nick Buck, and the new pop culture and sports website from Bill Simmons (who also happens to be the inspiration for Linkfest 2011 in this paragraph). Do I have thoughts, opinions, cool links, and some crazy arguments that might matter to people? Maybe, but this blog is more just for my own therapy and to tickle my cultural relevance bone. The first four or five blog posts are going to be essay-style vignettes on cultural stereotypes; the music industry; how the world of sports effects the music industry; why art music is still very much being made but not by the people who think they are making it; and maybe even a couple dips into why movies suck or don't suck. After that, however, I intend to try and be a little more bloggy and just post some good links to interesting music or funny articles. We'll see how that goes. For now here are the four other reasons why I am not a hipster.

Reason #4: I love the music of Britney Spears nonironically...

Wait, I should probably explain where this is coming from. I was recently accused of being a hipster (albeit jokingly with no intent to malign), and it got me thinking: what if I am a hipster? I enjoy new indie rock bands and enjoy showing people that I know about them. I like surfing pitchfork.com. I enjoy seeing what's going on in the Bloomington art, music, and theatre scene (beware of the scenesters-- the younger and way uncooler versions of hipsters that used to hang out at Rhino's back when the term scenesters existed-- by the way I have no beef with Rhino's whatsoever. It seems like a great place for kids). I like hip sci-fi and AMC shows. And I have heard of and enjoyed some music and blogs that you have not even imagined, and I think they are ok. So far, things look good for me to be a hipster.

But common really? No way I'm a hipster. In fact, some hipsters are insulted at the very idea of this claim and focusing their pain into making snarky comments about this article RIGHT NOW. Ouch, that one really hurts man. With that said, here are the rest of the reasons I am not a hipster.

There is no denying this any longer. I have been a long time fan of Britney Spears. For the past several years, I have masked my familiarity with Britney by simply saying I was a fan of her song "Toxic", which is a legitimately well-crafted cool song. But my interest goes much further than that. I love pretty much everything off the first album and beyond. I definitely cooled off from anything related to her unfortunate turn in the movie Crossroads, but then when she came out with her blatant-sex-appeal-style tunes like "Slave 4 U" and other club hits I was hooked. Her new stuff is great too because it stays within the confines of what it is. She is not trying to be overly deep, she is just trying to make you dance. Oh, on another note Kevin Federline was one of the great early no-talent-celebrities.

Reason No. 4 could easily been a number of musical choices. For instance, I still like the Dave Matthews Band. Their most recent music (as in the last 6-8 years) is boring, but I still like a lot of their old stuff and would enjoy them live if I decided to go again. In addition, I am not really into LCD Soundsystem. The music doesn't bug me, but I have never bought anything from the group (and by group I mean man) and have no intention to anytime soon. This whole article could be dedicated to the musical divisions between the hipsters and I, but I don't want to waste too many words on it because it probably just became cool and hip to like Britney Spears thus wasting reason number 4.

Reason #3: I don't dig wearing clothes that are too small...

because they don't fit! Don't get me wrong. I like it when things fit me well (as in not baggy), especially in my current thinner days (not so much in my bigger days), but I just don't have the body type for such an investment. And here is the other thing-- not a whole lot of hipsters do either. I have been to a countless number of indie rock and hardcore shows, and I have always been inspired by how bold some people are about showing off their hideously grotesque and lumpy bodies. Don't mistake that for cruelty or cynicism-- I genuinely do admire these people. But it's just not something I am comfortable with. Hipsters are incredibly self-aware, but they channel that aggressively through opinions, bold fashion choices, and, of course, denying they're hipsters (more on this later). That's just not my bag. On a related note, I am really into team sportswear right now (I have this beyond-lame desire to collect college basketball t-shirts from every Indiana college), and that doesn't seem too hipster unless I shrunk the shirts down to a Small. Also, when I wear a tie I try to button the top button, but I digress.

Reason #2: I'm a little too goofy...

but not terribly funny. I definitely got jokes, but my humor doesn't translate well to the hipster crowd because it is not too cynical or ironic. According to Nick Buck and future wife Nora Phelan, my humor is a little eccentric. In a middle school crowd I can slaughter, but at The Bishop it's crickets or sympathy laughs. Moreover, the very fact that I am even thinking about this or talking about it in a way that seems almost like a humblebrag would get me kicked out of most indie hipster circles. At least my kids will think I'm funny until they turn 13 and become too cool to laugh. Those first 13 years will be good times. I miss them already.

Reason #1: The fact that I am even investigating myself as a potential hipster...

excludes me from being a hipster. Honest self-analyzing is one of the most uncool things on the planet Earth. This blog will lose 30% of it's readers on this first article because of the saturation of first person pronouns and overall whininess (actually that was probably the only whiny sentence in the whole piece-- my bad). Hipsters will vehemently deny that they are hipsters. I know people who are hipsters, and I would never want to have that conversation with them because it would be a waste time. What am I gonna do? Show them who they truly are? Convert them? Show them the way? Why would I want to create such an enemy? It just seems wrong to vilify a culture that is assisting in giving me a lot of music and words that I love consuming. I try not to be too much of a hater, so it would be hypocritical of me to go around hating hipsters when they give me such wonderful tunes.

So hipsters keep doing your thing. You'll never admit it's your thing anyway, which is perfect because constantly talking about doing your thing gets in the way of actually doing your thing. Go Team Hipster!